I think that defining your idea of a role model could be an interesting long-term project. Ask yourself questions like: What kind of traits do you think a role model should have? What kind of careers or hobbies do you think would attract a person with these traits? What kind of books or documentaries can you find that will introduce you to people like this? What are the things they do that you want to emulate? What other traits do they have that you didn’t initially consider? Where might you find people like this in your real life?

You might not find a single perfect role model to look up to, but hopefully you’ll learn more about what kind of person you want to be.

Up until recently i thought of myself as a neurotypical person who just happened to find ADHD content relatable. How dare I, a run-of-the-mill idiot and fuck-up, appropriate a real mental disorder in an attempt to explain away all my flaws?

Well anyway it turns out I have ADHD. So yeah, everyone may relate to these things every once in a while. But if you’re reading this and you find A LOT of these things relatable, and they happen often, and you can think of lots of examples of times they have caused you major problems, and you feel a lot of shame and guilt and anxiety about the whole thing, I would encourage you to get checked out.

First of all, I really relate to this and know how painful and guilt-inducing it can be. I have lost many relationships over this and I hope to never do so again.

The main thing that has helped so far is having an honest conversation about it, especially with new friends who aren’t aware. The most important things I say are: 1) My lack of communication is 100% about me and my weird brain, it doesn’t mean I’m not excited to talk to you. 2) If I seem to be pulling away, pressure makes it worse – don’t grill me or react dramatically, and keep sending silly low-stakes messages every so often. 3) If it’s really important to you that we talk at certain intervals, it has to be consistent – we agree on a date and time and its in my calendar and set as a phone notification.

It sounds like your partner maybe doesn’t understand what this is like for you, or does understand but illogically hopes you will make an exception for him. I think the most important thing to tell him is that you now feel anxious when you see his messages, and that you don’t want to feel that way. Maybe together you can brainstorm a way to communicate more that works for you both, but only if he understands he can’t brute force it.